Grief is a sharp knife.

I don’t know how to begin. I haven’t written a word in over three years. I just can’t. Everyone knows me as so prolific, and with a Superman ability to say it how it is, but I’ve lost. I feel so weak. How can I really “get over” this, if I can’t even write about it? Hence, why I just don’t write anymore…

But I miss my outlet. My muse has gone, but I know the words live, even if my soul is dead. I try. I really do, but it’s horrible. I’ve come up with one halfway decent poem in three years….

I know that if I just force myself to write, that eventually, it’ll all come pouring out, but I’m so frozen inside. There are no words worthy of her, of her life, of her enormous effect on everyone’s lives… I can’t do justice. I’m not that good.

But I love. And I guess that’s what matters.

How does one write about the loss of not only your mother, but your best friend? There are no words worthy. I was lucky to have had her for both, and am still devastated by the loss. I’m an only child, so there’s no one that understands my pain exactly the same. My Dad, of course, but it’s different. I thought I’d be okay in a while, but FORFUCKSSAKE IT’S BEEN 3 YEARS?! GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!?!?

But you don’t. You never really “get over it”. You just change. You move forward. Because you must. You pretend. You go through the motions of everyday, and holidays, and all that responsible adult shit. But you never get over it. Grief changes you. Sometimes, not necessarily in a good way, but it definitely forms you.

I’m actually in tears right now. So, I guess this is my WTF ever you want to call it, but here we go?! I am a writer. I’ve been silent too long. I need to speak.

For me.

For you.

For her.

Love you always, Mom. I’m trying.

Yoga, Meditation, Insomnia, and Ooh look! Bunny!

Note: this was not originally intendedto be a blog post, but a book filled with inapproprite (to some) humor I’ve been working on. So, there you have it.

 

He’s drinking again. At the new job. 2 weeks in. Jesus…

Not that he’s Jesus, per say, just an idiot. Or perhaps some sort of self-loathing nihilist.

I guess we all manage stress in our own fucked-up ways. Some people meditate, or do yoga. Me personally, I could never understand the whole yoga-thing. I mean, ouch. Who in their right mind would put themselves into physically improbable positions, simply to achieve some sort of Zen-like grace? With my luck, a.k.a. my naturally ability to injure myself by simply walking and breathing at the same time, I’d end up stuck in some pretzel pose. Now, how do you explain that to the paramedics? Of course, I guess they’ve probably seen a bunch of weird shit, but I truly have no desire to be food for the happy hour fodder of medical types.

“Oh hey, George! Guess what I saw today at work? Some drunk chick got herself all twisted up in this bizarre mating ritualistic dance, and we had to take her in to get her body back in working order?!?”

Um…no. So, I guess no yoga for me.

I’ve even tried meditation. Which is not to say that I didn’t gain any benefit from it. I suppose it works for some people. But for me, I get about three minutes (at most) into some trance-like state, and then start thinking about random shit. You know, what to cook for dinner; chicken or fish? Rice or potatoes? Pasta? Ooh! And I could totally redecorate my living room for a mere $50! Score!

And then I realize that I’m supposed to be meditating…

So, I try to concentrate again, but the same thing just keeps happening. It never fails. I firmly believe that this is why I’m an insomniac. It’s not that I don’t sleep at all; it’s just that it takes me like 2-3 hours to actually fall asleep, because I’m laying there thinking of all this retarded, mundane bullshit for hours. In my crazy brain’s defense though, I tend to come up with some really profound shit at roughly 2 a.m. Of course, I usually remember nothing by the time I wake up.

And this is why I smoke pot.

Was that my point?

Somehow, I think I just did it again. I had a point when I started typing, but now my mind’s narrative has headed down a winding, bumpy path, and I’ve forgotten again.

Ooh, look! Bunny!

Damn you, Autocorrect. Damn you.

Because don’t we all need cheery whores?

Or miserable ones?

This post is inspired by yet another idiotic kitchen conversation with the boyfriend.

“Every time I push “f” on my phone, it automatically inserts “fuck”. ~ Me

“That is awesome! I gotta write that down.” ~ Him

“………………………………………………………….” ~ Me

Apparently, he does not use the internet as much as I.

Also, I swear a lot.

What? You didn’t notice after all this time? *snark*

You’d be surprised how many blog post inspirations stem from stupid shit he says in the kitchen.

Or any other room, I guess, but we kick it in the kitchen a ton.

And now there’s a post-it stuck to the fridge with “F=FUCK”. Not kidding…

Okay, so maybe not entirely sober…but still pissed…

The relationship from HELL has actually been decent as of late?!?

Or so I thought…

Apparently, there’s a three week window of actual employment (albeit contract work), and absolute nothing on the horizon, which warranty’s absolute idiocy from my other half.

I know, you’re all asking, “Why the FUCK is she still with this bloke?”

Apparently, I’m an idiot. Also a hopeless romantic.

FOR SHAME!!!

Had an interview today. It was………………….whatever interviews are these days.

Honestly, I have no clue.

I’m just going to make it easy on myself, and assume I didn’t get the job.

Because I end up getting my hopes up. And after two years…..not really that optimistic these days.

Call it apathy…or simply a shitty economy.

Life, at this point, is random, intrusive and just plain shitty.

Yet, I try, keep plugging away at these mere grasps at sanity…

And I fail. Every time.

I have no clue why. Only that I don’t know how much more enthusiasm I can pretend to have.

I’m awesome. I know that. Duh.

It’s just……..I can’t fucking stand how much BS there is in life. I mean, COME ON!!!!!

And I should probably stop typing now…..

Slightly paranoid about potential jobs reading this…

I pray…

At least for an atheist…. 😛

Hey blog. It’s me, writer.

Wondering just where the hell I’ve been hiding?

Me too.

I’d like to give y’all some fabulous excuses, but in reality it just comes down to diligence.

Although I was working for roughly 6 weeks at my QC/Proofreading gig, which just ended. We’re talking 12-14 hour days with little time off.  However, I did take a couple of days off to celebrate.  Twas epic. Also, I’m old, and obviously cannot party like I used to.

Ouch.

Anywho…so after constant work, I’m currently floundering.  All this free time?!  Wowsers.

Apparently, you can’t simply “catch up” on sleep, but dammit, I’m trying.  Just pulled a 12 hour stint with my bed and Betsy snoring on my feet. Yes, my cat snores. And dreams hard. It’s adorable.

I have been writing though.  Well, a little anyway.  I’ll have to post that stuff eventually. Like when I find it. I was toting around my journal in case of brief moments of inspiration on the bus or whatever. Think I’ve got a bit. Most likely, you find them over on my new word-nerd blog: http://grammarbygrady.wordpress.com/

Apparently, I haven’t touched that one since March. BAD WRITER!!!!

I have, however, been reading a lot!  Once again, I challenged myself to read a certain number of books this year. Instead of my meager 2011 goal of 50 books, I decided to bump it up to 75 this year.

Good news: I’m 3 books ahead!

Speaking of…I’ve got a book to finish! Laters!

This is why they invented coffee.

 

Okay, so it’s after noon, but let me just give you a brief re-cap of my night of restlessness. 

12:49 a.m. ~ Go to bed.

1:12 a.m. ~ Finally fall asleep. Actually, for me, that’s pretty quick.

4:11 a.m. ~ Wake up from horrific nightmare. Get up. Pee. Have cigarette. Wonder why BF isn’t home from work yet.

4:18 a.m. ~ Go back to bed. Lie awake freaking out over dream.

4:46 a.m. ~ BF gets home from work. I get up. He shares his “wonderful news” with me. I tell him I had a nightmare about being raped in our bedroom. We hug and hang out for awhile. He eats dinner, plays guitar. I chain-smoke.

6:11 a.m. ~ We go to bed.

6: 24 a.m. ~ He falls asleep, snoring loudly. (Sometimes, I hate the way he can just do that.)

6:57 a.m. ~ AFter tossing and turning for 33 minutes, I finally get up to pee again. (Did I mention I drink a lot of water?)

7:08 a.m. ~ I fall into a fitful sleep. He’s snoring like a baby monster.

7: 32 a.m. ~ I wake up from another nightmare, and again pee and smoke.

7: 47 a.m. ~ I fall back asleep.

10:38 a.m. ~ I wake up. Again. (DAMNIT!!!) I get up, smoke, check my email, and go back to bed. Hoping…

10:49 a.m. ~ 12:00 p.m. ~ I toss and turn and eventually write this blog post in my head.

I give up. I’m gonna go make coffee and eat banana bread with cream cheese.

And before y’all get all old wives’ remedies for insomnia on me, this isn’t a new thing for me. It’s just gotten worse lately. It’s stress. I know that, but it still sucks.

Happy New Year!

 

No, I haven’t lost a couple of months. I’m talking ancient pagan religions here. But I figured if I made the title “Happy Samhain”, y’all would be confused. Let me explain…

Way before Jesus was even a twinkle in Mary’s eyes, there was religion. Gods and Goddesses ruled in duality. Life was more balanced, gender-speaking. Quite honestly, women were believed to hold more power than their male counter-parts.

Men were mostly toys, props if you will.

In fact, most of the “Hallmark” holidays that we as a society currently embrace, were stolen from the pagans during the reign of Constantine, when the Catholic church was attempting to remove women from religious authority and promote Christianity as the sole religion of the world. The Catholics simply used pagan holidays (there are 8: mostly centered around seasonal changes), and assumed them as their own. Christmas (Winter Solstice), Easter (Spring Solstice), Halloween (Samhain, also the Wiccan New Year), etc. I could go on forever, but you get the point.

Anywhosit…I have no desire to get in some sort of religious debate or rant, but I just wanted my readers to be aware.

There is so much history out there that has been disregarded and covered up for centuries.

So to you all, have a blessed Samhain, and go clean something. It’s tradition.

Also, leave a candle burning all night for luck in the coming year, and pay close attention to your dreams tonight. This is the night when the veil between death and life is most open, so make the way clear for loved ones who’ve gone before.

Perhaps they’ll make an appearance tonight…

Sweet dreams & Blessed Be.

 

 

Confessions of a realist

Forgive me, Father. It’s been five weeks since my last confession.

Oh who am I kidding?! I was never Catholic!

Anywhosit…sorry abou that. I was (gasp) working at the awesometastic Proofreading job constantly. Before that project ended, I worked something like twelve straight days with only one day off.

Needless to say, I was a bit retarded when it was over, and took a bit of a mental break….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I adore that job though?! Unfortunately, the project I was working on ended, and now I’m on call again. 😦

Although I did manage to get a TON of hours in during my stint, and found out (once I got my first paycheck) that I was making pretty good money doing that?!

Awesome.

Meanwhile, I’m battling with DHS to get qualified for food stamps…ugh…

I loathe even applying for charity, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do! And I love food. Also cooking.

Alas, I digress…

Just this week, I started an internship at an awesome Advertising company here in Portland! 20Fifteen.tv

I’m their Marketing/Social Media guru, which is utterly ironic if you know my history with the big, bad corporate job…

(Hint: I got canned for using Social Media…) 😛

TAKE THAT?! (Note: you can’t see this, but I’m flipping off THE MAN.)

Anywhosit…I LOVE it! It’s a small office, but filled with fun, interesting people, and much laughter. 🙂

(Side note: the BF just started the drum machine & his guitar. This might detract from the train of thought I had going…)

Um………………………….what was I saying???

Right! More random updates?!

On the writerly front, I have cover art!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Oh…sorry…

I’m going to post it over on my Random Musings blog later. Maybe today, maybe in 6 weeks….KIDDING!!! It’s awesome! 🙂

Now I just have to get all my poetry together in a more cohesive format, decide what order to put it in (I know the 1st three…), and send it off to my Indie Publishing Gurus, Jinx and Sharon at Running Ink Press.

Oh…..and write another book review for Susan Bischoff…cuz Heroes ‘Til Curfew was THE BOMB!

Anyway…the incessant whacking of the fake spare drum is rotting my brain…

chee chee WHACK! chee chee WHACK! chee chee WHACK! chee chee WHACK!

Jeebus.

People are going to pay me to use my brain.

Well since it’s the last day of August and I’ve only posted twice this month, I thought I’d let you in my little happy: I AM WORKING TODAY!!!!! *squee*

Cue happy dance…

As many of you know, I got the QC/Proofreading gig, but it’s on-call. Heck, I don’t even know what the pay is?!

And frankly, I don’t care.

It’s the first time anyone has ever paid me to use my brain, doing the detail-oriented shit I love.

And I can’t wait! 🙂

Unfortunately, the job is in Vantucky…

But for THAT job, I don’t mind taking the bus forever. That’s why they invented headphones.

Plus, I have an awesome book to finish reading…check it.

A Thread of Grace

So anywhosit…I’m gonna go get pretty and work!

YAY!!!!

The Highs and Lows of Job Hunting

I swear, job hunting is one big screaming rollercoaster ride.

The curves.

The flips.

The creepy things slithering from out of nowhere, seeming to grab you and pull you into their own personal Hell.

You just never know.

Every time I come back from an interview, everyone asks, “How did it go?”

“Um…good I guess?”

How does one gauge these things?

I figure, if I did my research into said company, asked pertinent questions, and managed not to throw up all over the HR Manager, then it went well….right?

Hell if I know?!

Then the waiting game begins…

And you obsessively check your inbox. (for the “Thank you, but…”)

And you jump every time you hear your ringtone. (Please don’t be a damned telemarketer…)

And even when you think you’re a shoe-in…you still don’t get the job?!

You do all the right things: thank you emails, call backs to check in, praying to the Goddess of Fortune…

I’ve even been told that I should “dummy-down” my resume…

As in leave off my college education…

Wha???

Apparently, you’re not allowed to actually be smarter than the person hiring you…

It’s frustrating to say the least.

Yet, I keep plugging away…

Because somewhere, somehow, I know there’s a job out there for me.

Alas, on a happier note, I’ve been painting.

No, not like Picasso.

More like Sesame Street.

I’ve been painting and cleaning up an apartment in preparation for new tenants, and DAMN! It’s hard, physical labor, and I’m apparently out of shape. It’s getting better though. At least today, I can walk and feel my right arm. Plus, with the money I’ve made, I can pay my internet and phone bills. All extremely important to one searching for a job.

Also, I’ve got three interviews set up for next week, thus far, so I’m mostly just trying to be hopeful.

Something’s got to give.